Silence, often underestimated, holds tremendous power within relationships.
It can serve as a smokescreen, concealing conflicts and tensions that simmer beneath the surface. Let us delve into the complexities of silence, exploring its various forms and the impact it has on the couple.
Through the stories of John and Sarah, we’ll shed light on how therapy can help deal with the challenges posed by silence in relationships.
1. The Veil of Tension: When Silence Speaks Volumes
Silence can be more than the absence of words; it can be a potent indicator of underlying conflicts. John and Sarah sit at opposite corners of the room, their silence echoing louder than any spoken words.
What lies behind their jointly generated silence?
What are each of them hiding?
Since they are not talking to each other, they are talking with themselves and this talk is often quite angry. By the time they do decide to talk with one another, each of them has created a conflict in his/her head where they already won and proved themselves right.
Meanwhile, their silence is creating an atmosphere of tension, uncertainty, and simmering anger. Silence also underscores the distance – the farther they get from one another both physically and emotionally, the harder it is to talk.
In this case, therapy can help decrease the distance and bring partners closer together physically and emotionally to enable them to talk with one another, unravel the hidden conflicts, and foster open communication.
2. The Different Faces of Silence
Silence manifests in various forms, each carrying its own implications.
There’s the unsettling silence after an argument, where words remain unspoken, leaving wounds unhealed.
Then there’s deliberate silence, where one purposely withholds communication as a means of control or punishment over the partner.
For John and Sarah, their silence takes the form of avoidance, as they tiptoe around sensitive topics, fearing open confrontation.
Eventually, these issues pile up until they burst and John and Sarah find themselves unable to deal with them as they emerge all at once.
Here, therapy could help in learning how to address the undesirable issues and power through them as they appear, instead of silencing them until they explode suddenly and uncontrollably.
3. A Depressive-Anxious Tale of Unspoken Words
Talking has the consequences of dealing with the words, therefore more anxious partners may resort to silence as a way of avoiding a potentially negative reaction from the partner.
John, struggling with depression, finds it difficult to articulate his emotions, opting to retreat into himself.
Sarah, on the other hand, battles social anxiety, causing her to avoid difficult conversations out of fear of judgment.
Their silence becomes a barrier that prevents them from understanding and supporting one another, even though, especially in their conditions, each of them would love dearly for the other side to provide them with some verbal or physical support.
Therapy, in this case, offers a safe space for them to learn to support each other, verbally explore their feelings, and learn healthy communication strategies.
4. Silence as an Instrument of Power
Silence is often used as a tool to exert power and even intimidation, and it can be a significant obstacle in relationships.
When one speaks, the other remains silent, attempting to control the situation through the weight of their unspoken words.
The partner who had initiated the talk then feels anxious and uncomfortable and finds him or herself guessing what is going on in their partner’s head.
When John senses something is amiss, he musters the courage to ask Sarah, “What’s wrong?” Sarah, however, responds with a calculated silence, leaving John in a state of unease and uncertainty.
That way Sarah establishes authority over John, making him question himself and corner him into single-handedly trying to bring the standstill to a dialogue.
In this case, therapy offers a safe and neutral space where the power dynamics can be put on hold and pave the way to recognize the negative impact of this intimidation tactic and instead create opportunities to genuinely explore and connect with each other on a deeper level.
Conclusion
Silence can be a formidable force within relationships, concealing conflicts and creating tension.
Through therapy, individuals like John and Sarah can break free from the grip of omnipotent silence and learn to supersede some parts of silence with appropriate words, or supportive action, to communicate more openly and authentically.
One of the earliest forms of CBT was developed by Aaron Beck in the late 1960’s. He devised the term ‘automatic thoughts’ for those emotion-filled thoughts that pop into our minds automatically when we find ourselves in certain situations, because the way we react is often pre-determined by how we feel about the situation.